I Can Tell You About Fleas

This will be everything that I know about fleas. If you have practical knowledge of this most pestilent insect or would like to share a story about them, please feel free to do so here.

Fleas feed on the blood of mammals and birds.

Fleas bite people. They will pop out of the carpets and bite your legs. Ankles, mostly. I got out of bed this morning, walked into the bathroom and a damn flea jumped off my head.

When people have fleas they act like just like a dog who has fleas: they are restless, itchy and scratching like mad. They are irritable, have zero patience, and they don't sleep because it feels like little bugs are crawling all over them (probably because they are).

When you tell your neighbor that you have fleas in your house, they immediately pass judgement instead of offering to help.

Fleas are like butterflies in that they have multiple life stages. First, the egg. Then the larva, pupa, baby flea and adult. If pupa do not find a host immediately they will lay dormant in your cellar, carpet, rugs, bed sheets and towels for up to 6 months until someone or something walks along that they can latch onto. Then, they bust out of their cocoon and feast.

Fleas don't fly, they jump. Fleas are wingless.

It is currently high season for fleas in the South. They find their way into older homes through clay or dirt basements or crawl spaces by hitching a ride upon a possum or raccoon or mouse or squirrel. If you have rodents living in your home and don't know it, chances are that you are probably living on top of a damp, dark flea condominium.

Fleas bury themselves in dog or cat fur and enter your home, hopping onto your rugs and dropping into the cracks between your floorboards. Then they make themselves comfortable and lay some eggs. Cat fleas will lay up to one egg every hour.

Young fleas are small. Adults are large and, in most cases, gorged.

If you flip your dog over and a flea scurries across his belly, try and pick it off with your fingers. Hold the flea tightly between your forefinger and thumb nail and squish the little bastard.

Regular shampoo kills fleas. Actually, it's not even the shampoo that kills them--it's the water. Fleas drown. Simply hosing your dog off will not kill fleas but soaking him in a tub of water will. Shampoos do a good job of suffocating fleas in the event that you cannot submerge your dog in water for an extended period of time. So, save the money that you were going to spend on flea shampoos and buy beer with it instead. Getting drunk is the only way to maintain your sanity while you're waiting for a professional to come out and treat your house.

Frontline. Capstar.

Vacuuming offers you short-term relief if your house is infested with fleas. By morning, new baby fleas will hatch and be looking to feed on you and your dogs. It's the fucking Truman Show. You can spend the entire day bathing your animals and vacuuming your rugs, carpets and hardwoods, sucking up all of the baby and adult fleas that are living in them, but by tomorrow it won't mean a damn thing. The fleas eggs and larva are there to stay and the only thing that will kill them, and prevent them from coming back, costs $250 and is administered by these fine people who call themselves the Fleabusters. No joke. Their treatment is organic and won't kill you or your animals, only fleas. If you're still vacuuming, make sure that you empty your sweeper bag or Dyson into a separate trash bag, tie it off and immediately toss it in the dumpster. Don't fool around with that last part or otherwise you're just transporting fleas from one home to another.

Cats will eat fleas. It's not good for them at all, but when they spend so much time licking themselves, it's hard to stop your cat from eating fleas. Their mouth becomes raw and irritated and it completely throws off their digestive system. If your cat's appetite is not like it used to be, check it for fleas.

Worms, disease, plague, myxomatosis. Fleas carry this shit and can cause all of it. They are horrible, horrible creatures.